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...That is something I still regret. I don't regret my vigilance. I do regret not going through proper channels. As it worked out, this man became one of the best aides in the home, and I can't tell you what his care for my mother meant to me after Dad died and I had to handle all of the logistics, plus the emotions, and my mother's upset. Carol Bradley Bursack

February is Heart Health Month. With this in mind, Dr. Travis Stork, co-host of the award winning talk show The Doctors, generously donated some time for a small conference call that allowed four writers to ask specific questions about heart health. Dr. Stork is a practicing ER doctor and faculty physician in the emergency department at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tenn. Carol Bradley Bursack

During their last years, my parents' special days would be considered by some to be a fiasco, if the celebrations were judged by traditional standards. Yet, I'll never regret trying my best to simulate the kind of celebration my parents had always had. Celebrations give life some texture. And if anyone needs something to make one day different than all of the others, it's people who are already coping with the indignities the aging process can bring. Carol Bradley Bursack

I've joked (actually, it's thinly veiled seriousness) with care agency people, and our city leaders, that every city needs one person available day and night to just sit and wait for a call to pick someone up off the floor. Caregivers have a dreadful time with this problem and often they don't know who to call for help. Carol Bradley Bursack

Smoking is bad for our health. Nothing has changed that often proven fact. Also, nicotine is part of the addictive element in smoking. However, nicotine as administered through a medical patch, rather than a tobacco product, was shown in a recent study to have some benefit for nonsmokers with mild cognitive impairment (MCI). Not everyone with MCI goes on to develop Alzheimer’s disease, but many people do. Therefore, the interest in studying MCI is intense. Carol Bradley Bursack

Dear Carol: My dad died suddenly about a year ago. Mom is 73 and quite frail for her age. She’s also slipping cognitively. She can’t keep up the house they’ve lived in for decades. She seems afraid to live there alone, so I’d like to see her move to assisted living. She actually wants to make the move, but she seems frozen when it comes to getting rid of anything in the house so she can move. How can I get her going with this project? - Amanda Carol Bradley Bursack

Statistics vary, but upward of thirty percent of caregivers die before those they are caring for. Some of those are adult children, lonely and depressed, isolated and frustrated, often torn by guilt. These caregivers can develop cancer, commit suicide, or have heart problems and other ill health that can likely be traced to the stress of caring for their loved ones. Carol Bradley Bursack

The saying that we can’t really understand another person’s experience until we’ve “walked in their shoes,” has always felt right to me. Intelligent people can be educated to the brim and be able to give excellent “book” advice. However, it frequently takes someone who has endured an experience similar to ours in order to make us feel thoroughly understood. This is where real "hands on" advice differs from advice in the abstract. Carol Bradley Bursack

A friend of mine took her mother to the doctor because she suspected her mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. My friend sat dumbfounded as her mom charmed the socks off the doctor and seemed as sharp as she was ten years ago. The mother denied any health issues, especially those associated with memory. The doctor, too busy to run tests on someone who seemed "so good for her age," signed off of some prescriptions and sent them off. My friend felt like banging her head against the wall. Carol Bradley Bursack

Most caregivers go into caregiving mode with full hearts and wonderful intentions. They rarely stop to think, "Hmm, this could go on for years. I'd better plan it out. If I move to part-time at work, have more child care and spend mornings caring for my parents' needs, it will be difficult, but possible. If I continue to work full time, I'll have more for retirement, but I can't do it all. I have to plan this out." Carol Bradley Bursack

How do we get elders to stop doing "handyman" tasks, doing yard work that should be hired out or even extensive kitchen work? Everyone needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning. If a person has no purpose in life, why go on living? For elders whose bodies – and sometimes minds – seem to betray them more each day, this becomes an issue. Carol Bradley Bursack

A tip, here, for people who still have their elder at home, but the elder still asks to "go home." Understand what the person wants and then try the same distraction or relearning technique. Some people go as far as taking the person in the car and driving around the block, then re-entering the house. This can work for awhile, but not likely that long. No matter what you do, you will hear it again: "I want to go home." The point here is that no matter what you do or say, likely you will continue to hear the plea to "go home." Carol Bradley Bursack

Dear Carol: My mom, 93 years old, sent cash Christmas gifts to all her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. However, she got few thank you notes and asks why she never hears back from these people. She also doesn’t have many friends left so there’s no one to fill the void. She has early to mid-stage dementia and gets depressed easily when she does not get visits, phone calls or notes. My siblings do call and some come to visit once or twice a month, but I wish they would do more. Carol Bradley Bursack

You are helped into a chair and the doctor covers one of your eyes and asks what letters you see. What is a letter, you think, and why is he covering my face? You start to squirm and then push him away. You get more confused and frightened because you don't know what they want with you. Carol Bradley Bursack

I love stories. When I was a teenager, I’d encourage grandparents to relate stories of their young years struggling to survive on the wind-swept prairie. When I grew older, I was fascinated by the stories my parents and in-laws told of their early years of growing up during the Great Depression. Little did I know at the time that peoples’ stories would become the springboard for my life’s work. Now there is mounting evidence that encouraging our elders to reminisce about their past is therapeutic as well as enjoyable. Carol Bradley Bursack

...outside care eventually becomes a necessity for many. When we are talking about elder care, often people jump immediately to the "nursing home" solution, since in days past, that was pretty much the only choice people had once someone couldn't stay at home, or with family. Things have changed now, but that doesn't mean it is easy. Carol Bradley Bursack

These days, having grandma move in with the family is still an option for some families, but it has become more complicated. First of all, there are fewer families with a stay-at-home adult in the home. This is where a great deal depends on Grandma's health. I know of one family where the dad is single. He has custody of his two young sons most of the time, and his mother has moved in. For the most part, Grandma is actually a help with the boys. Yes, she has her issues, and there has been some adjusting on all sides. But with Dad's odd hours and Grandma still fairly capable, it's a situation that works well for all. Carol Bradley Bursack

I recall asking one of the nurses at the nursing home if my mother-in-law knew who I was. I was aware she couldn't have told anyone my name or my exact purpose in her life. That much was evident. However, I wondered if she knew that I was there to see her. The nurse assured me that my mother-in-law's seeing me step off the elevator as she sat in the common room was a highlight of her day. I was glad of that. I felt my visiting her was important no matter what she "knew," but it was nice to hear those words from the nurse just the same. Carol Bradley Bursack

For me, the need to be prepared for anything is mandatory. During my heaviest caregiving years, I cared for two children, one with multiple health problems, plus multiple elders. During their last years, several of my elders lived in a nearby nursing home, while I worked full time, so that care was a blessing. I could visit daily, but still know they were cared for while I worked at my "real world" job. Carol Bradley Bursack

Dear Carol: My husband has Alzheimer’s. We get by fairly well for most of the day, but he gets agitated late in the afternoon and acts as if he’s searching for something or someone. The doctor said he’s “sundowning.” He says it’s common with AD, but he hasn’t helped much other than label it. I’d like to know if there’s anything I can do. - Betty Dear Betty: "Sundowning" refers to an increased state of anxiety and confusion at the end of the day that often occurs in people with Alzheimer's. Carol Bradley Bursack